Monday, May 30, 2011

and then there was one

i don't even know where to start on this one. it's been a while. i guess just surgery until now is all i need to talk about.

we got to the hospital on time, which was awesome, and the lady gave me a bracelet, had me change and then i sat in a room full of elderly people and waited for them to call my name. when they did, i was lead into this big long room full of stretchers with curtains on either side. the lady asked me all the same old questions about allergies and what meds im on and then gave me these stockings that keep the circulation good during surgery. they were flippin tight. they had little holes for my toes to pop out so they could check that circulation was good during surgery. so funny.

the nurse kind of sucked. she put my iv in and sent us on our way, ian had to say goodbye to me half way and was told to wait in some certain place but i trail off there because im so nervous.

the porter wheeled me into a little cubby across from the OR where they do anesthetics on you and met with some nice people who stuck about 6 needles in my spine to help numb my chest and then it gets weird, i remember laying back down and then when they asked if i was ready i said, "bring it on!" and they were like whoo hoo and then started wheeling me, i see the outside of the OR door and then it skips to im already laying on the operating table and there's a black mask being put on my face and then i wake up! I'm not sure where i only remember parts, maybe the stress knocked it out?

anyways waking up sucked. i threw up a lot and that was uncomfy because i couldn't run away like i usually do, and it was close quarters with ian and the nurse and myself in there. gross. it took a long time for me to stop being sleepy and feeling like i couldn't talk. i was in a room with 2 other women and sometimes their spouses so by day 2 i begged to go home and they let me.

today i had my drainage tube removed. i will not describe this. ever. i understand some of you may be looking for more feeling in this post but im gonna have to keep that part to myself for now as i work it on out.

here is a picture of my bandaged chest. too much? who knows, that's just me

Sunday, May 22, 2011

bye bye boobie

dear goliath

you were always my favourite, because you're the bigger one
it will make me very sad to see you gone

paul will miss you too, of this i'm sure
he'll have no partner in crime, but this is my cure

i'm sorry i pierced you when i was 16
you did a great job, took one for the team

i really hate to lop you off, you've served me so well
in boobie heaven, there won't be an armpit next door with such a terrible smell

thank you for feeding my babies, even though they preferred paul
it's nothing personal, just a tumor, that's all

i'm happy im almost better, but sad to see you go, too
so this is goodbye my friend, i'm sorry we couldn't save you

(ps my boobs are named paul and goliath, that may help)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

5 days...

So as some of you heard, I had one last appointment with my surgeon this past Tuesday, just to look over my MRI and ask any last minute questions I had. After he examined me, he told me my MRI had come back and shown no cancer! Pretty rad. I guess all that suffering paid off, but I still cringe at the thought of chemo.

Surgery is in 5 days. I'm so scared, and I can't keep it in. I try not to think about it but it always comes. I don't know what's worse... if I'm mostly afraid of waking up without a boob, or of going under and something going terribly wrong.... or the creepy spinal block they'll be putting in beforehand. All of it makes me terrified and I just want to fastforward to Tuesday night when I can say it's overwith and start to deal with this new chest of mine.

My hair is falling out. I'm pretty upset about it because it's been growing for about 3 months now and I thought it was at a weird stage BEFORE it was all sparse. See ya later, awesome progress. So embarrassing. I'm ready to be pretty again and have eyebrows and eyelashes and non-puffy eyes. Even if it was just that, I'd be happier, even with this stupid hair.

OK that's it for now. I may write again before surgery but probably not.

see you on the other siiiiiiiiiiiide

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

waited too long and now this is the longest post of all time

I feel like every time I write it's always waaah waaaaaah bad news. Not trying to be a negative Nancy, just giving out the info.

SO. Chemo was on the 20th, which was a Wednesday, by Friday, as always, I was back in the hospital. This time I was, how do I put this nicely?? Ummmm, when I went to the bathroom, not pee pee, there was lots and lots of blood instead of a number 2. Sorry.

Anyhoo this went on for several days, every 20-45 minutes. I was terrified. I left the hospital Saturday and had to go back Monday for pain. I couldn't stand, sit, speak, anything. I had started throwing up whenever I went to the bathroom as well and couldn't keep up with drinking because it usually came up. SO needless to say, anti nausea medication never stayed down for a second. It was bad. So bad that I even sent Ian home from the hospital because using energy to speak or even look at him made me so sick and sore and would lead to crying or other things that made me barf some more. And can i say it is very uncomfortable sharing a room with someone when you are both getting sick and needing the bathroom that often. Not a good sitch. They kept me on hydration and a liquid diet. I was worried about not eating but they said it was ok.

They let me out of the hospital I think it was the Wednesday or Thursday after. My stomach was sticking out so far that I looked 6 months pregnant, even my bellybutton had popped out.

When I got home, I went straight to bed. Kate was over watching the girls, as always, and I had her hide with them so I could sneak past because I was so sick. I stayed in bed overall for 17 days. Not a lot of talking, eating or eye opening for the first 2 weeks. Ian got really scared, and to be honest, I was really scared too. I couldn't move, but had to run to the bathroom at least every 2 hours. I needed dilaudid for the pain in my tummy. I never get sick in front of Ian but had no control and just hung out barfing in front of him like there was no tomorrow. And did I mention the diapers? It was hell. PS I think colitis is just inflammation of your intestines or bowels. I had a hot water bottle on the backside and a magic bag on the front and could only lay on my right side. It was bs. Eventually I started to feel a bit better and was able to swallow water and pills without having to be so careful. Then the nausea stopped and I started with apple sauce. I'm still not back to normal and it's been almost 20 days.

My energy is very low and for most of every day I am still in bed. I've also started having really terrible and constant hot and cold flashes where I soak my clothes and am incredibly uncomfortable and shivery. My body thinks that it is going into menopause because chemo is very hard on your ovaries. My nurse says that since I'm so young that in two months my period (sorry) will come back and all of this will stop.

I went yesterday (Rosie's birthday!) to get the results of my genetics test I told you about a while back. Turns out I magically don't have the gene mutation. I was so positive that I did, that I sat down and said to Erica, my geneticist, "I know it's positive, if you said negative I would honestly not believe you at this point so you can just skip having to say it altogether. I just have some questions concerning my daughters and what to do with surgery for the other breast and my ovaries" and to that she replied, "well then I've got some shocking news for you..." yeah I balled. Like a baby. I never cared about myself it was just the fact that my daughters would have such a high chance of getting it that I couldn't live with myself. So it was a great birthday because of that. And it will be a great week and month and year because of it too!

Surgery is the 24th of May. I'm scared but I just have to go with it. Ian just informed me that I'll be missing the great Glebe garage sale AGAIN. UGH. I haven't been in 3 years. So that's a bummer. But I hope to start getting energy soon so that going into surgery I actually feel good and can maybe even walk in and not be wheeled in.

Today is my first day going back to the chemo floor. I have to continue to go every 3 weeks until about a year from now to get a bag of herceptin to block dirty hormones that give me cancer. Trisha will be taking me so it's my first time without my Ian. But I'm kind of looking forward to having her there and having her see what I'm always talking about.

Ok I'm done. And I'm on Ian's computer so the fancy picture of the day is me immediately before shaving my head. nice.


Here's my tummy after it started to go down. Pardon the diaper yo