Thursday, April 21, 2011

Peace out, chemo

Although this morning is a pretty crappy one, I decided to try to bloggy blog while things are fresh in my mind.

Ian's birthday was a success. It was a lot like our wedding where there were sooo many people that we were separated all night, but that was ok, I really wanted him to get some attention. Cynthia remembered talking with me about a fancy necklace and she made it for me and brought it to the party, it's so pretty I'll have to take a picture. I don't know who had more fun, him or me, but it was very nice to get out.

I was a little bit under the weather the morning of chemo and being at the hospital for 8:30 blood work stung a bit. We stuck around because they always start late and chemo was an hour(ish) later. We sat in Tim Hortons and watched it rain (thanks for nothing, mother nature coulda used some sunshine on my last flippin day).

Chemo started at 12 instead of 10:30 because ... i don't know why, I was irritated. I kept welling up but at the same time I was so exhausted and on steroids and just messy from the night before so I'm sure that could have had something to do with it. By 12:45 Matty and Maria came to visit and brought me flowers! There's only 1 person allowed so Matt and Ian went to have some lunch together. Things ended really quickly so I texted Ian to come back upstairs so we could ring the bell.

I had been also waiting on an appointment for a cat scan of my lungs, my doctor is suspicious that I may have a blood clot and wanted to check it out asap. They ended up telling me to just come down as soon as chemo was finished up. So instead of balling my face off and being overwhelmed when I ran the bell, I was all business because I knew I couldn't fall apart when I had more appointments (especially the kind that makes me feel claustrophobic) . Kind of disappointing, I know, but we're never how we think we'll be, I guess. I felt silly and shy. Me. So I had Ian ring it with me and everybody clapped and we walked back by lots of people who congratulated us and it was nice.

Hopped into a wheelchair and went on our way to the cat scan. They gave me a very sore injection, my veins are just terrible from all the chemotherapy and then I went in. Same old, the dye went in and everything got dizzy and hot and so weird and right when you think you'll pass out, it starts to go down. She removed my iv after 10 min of waiting and then off we went to go home. 6 hours after we arrived. Ian pulled the car around because I was starting to get really weak, oh, and the rain too I bet.

Oh theeeeeeeen came the tears! I felt bad for Ian. How confusing girls must be. I'm just really shocked and proud and in disbelief that that just effing (I love you, Nan) happened to me. I understand that it's hard and things get bad for people going through this, but I can't explain to you just how bad. And I swear to you, I'm not a whiner. I was so afraid every time - well, from 4 through 7 at least - that I was going to die because all these stupid scary things kept going wrong. I spent way too much time in the hospital and away from my kids or up in my room away from my kids or on the couch too vacant to even answer my own kids properly when they asked me a question. And eventually, after being pumped with poison for this many months over and over, your brain stops working and you forget what it's like to be brave or happy. And then you feel like you're bad at this cause there are all these blogs and youtube videos and google pages that tell you in order to do well, you have to laugh and you have to push yourself. And on some days you can't and you feel like you're hurting yourself and letting everybody down, but you just can't pick yourself up. I didn't want anti depressants but for a long time I cried every day for one reason or another... the worst was how I felt, but a close second was this terrible symptom where I became so confused and cloudy. One day I was trying to count how many days had passed on my fingers and had to start over and over until Ian helped me. I would have important people over for BBQ's and avoid eye contact so they wouldn't talk to me because I had no idea what they were saying and couldn't keep up. If there were subtitles on the tv screen it would throw me right off because multitasking was just too much. And I couldn't talk, I always would forget what I was getting at or why I was talking in the first place. It was so hard to be stuck up in my brain and not able to communicate it at all.

Wah wah waaaah. It's so much easier to whine about when it's over. Not that it isn't about to start up just this ooone last time. But I say bring it. 4 weeks until surgery. I'll let you know how I feel about that one another day.

Thank you for listening. Also, you'll notice that posts that are directly after chemo are usually the emotional ones where I spill the beans. If you go back to my original posts you'll see that I tried to keep that side of things to myself. Really worked on the brave front, everybody thought I was a total hero! I'll read this in a couple days and be all shocked and insecure by what I said, but it's genuine and I'll roll with it.

Here's some pictures for you.

The first one is called "See you NEVER AGAIN you stupid mitts"
The second one is entitled "Look at me at my last chemo"
And the third "I'ma ring this bell"

Friday, April 15, 2011


I'm so sorry I left the last post without writing again. I had written a huge post and it ended up getting lost in cyber space and I just got pissed off and said forget it.

My heart is apparently ok. The cardiologist was confused as to why I had those levels in my blood because all of my tests and scans came back saying I had a healthy heart.

My new problem (and I'm getting really sick of all this stuff on top of itself) is that I have a heavy weight on my chest and am unable to take a deep breath. I'm also finding I lose my breath a few times a day. I've had a bit of extra stress in my life the last week so I'm hoping that this is related to anxiety and that it isn't a new problem.

I'm very anxious about my next chemo. It will be my final session and I can't keep myself together about how proud I am of myself. This has been hell and I can't believe I survived it. I truly thought I was going to die over and over, as morbid and awful as that is to hear, it's 200% true. This has been so painful/nauseating/exhausting/emotional I just can't believe they put people through this. Mind you based on my age and that up until the cancer, I was an otherwise healthy lady, my doctor has given me the absolute maximum dose that can be given and 8 treatments as opposed to 4 or 6.

So there's this bell I get to ring to say I'm done. It's all I think about. I don't even know if I'll be able to do it, if you say "Wednesday" I'll ball my face off. I'll let you know how it goes. Ian wouldn't let me leave without doing it. And we'll be tired and sick as it is because the night before is his bday party! He's turning 30. I feel terrible that it was scheduled this way, we have to be at the hospital for bloodwork at 8:30am. Ouchie.

Ok that's it for now I think.

Here's a hair progress pic

Friday, April 1, 2011

oh hi

We had chemo on Wednesday and guess what? it's been rough. Every time it's something different though, so it keeps it so exciting!! (NOOOOT)

The day of chemo they took my blood pressure and pulse and said my heart rate was a little low at 60 when we started. Half way through it went down to 50 and by the end it was at 40. Chest pains kicked in and lasted a while. When I called my nurse she said go to emerg. Matty brought me in because Ian had to work and mom stayed with the girls. We hung out for quite a while in there. Evening to like 3am. Ouch sorry Matt.

the first doctor I saw was a bit concerned, he told me I had a little murmur which is no biggy and that my blood work came back and there's some level that starts with a t and if it's above 0.02 there's concern for heart attack, well mine was 0.04 and in another 2 hrs was 0.06. The Dr decided to have cardiologists come on down and see me but they take forever and his shift was over.

My new Dr says he's scratching the cardiologists (same pain, same slow heart rate beeping away around 40 all night) and that he wants to do the same blood test a third time... he walks in an hour later and says yeah you're young, I'm sure you're fine and that you want to go home. Matty looked at the paper and it was still 0.04 so I don't know what the frig that meant to this dude, but to me I was still freaked out.

I went home and had spooky chest and back pains all night and my heart stayed around 40 most of the time. I called my nurse again and she said Dr Song was ok with everything the other doctor said. But I've got this bad luck with weekends. It's like every time I have chemo, the weekend comes and I can't call the cancer center and then I get thrown in the hospital again. So I called again today, Friday, and was just real about my feelings. I also asked what meds to take or not take because they said in emerg that it could have been a number of my meds, so I've been sick and not taking anything. Dr Song phoned back and when she realized no cardiologist had seen me, she got a red flag. So she's sending me for an ecco (ultrasound of my heart) on the 11th and to meet with this cardiologist on Wednesday. Cool, see you then, and until then I'll be having chest pains and a slow heart rate? Wicked, not scary at all!

Bad stories lately, sorry. But I said I'd be real with updates and here they are. I had a nice visit with Matty in the hospital and he takes really good care of me all around, he also is the guy who shoots me with my Neupogen every flipping day because I'm too chicken. Kiki came over today as well and that was awesome cause I have no social life so she brought it to me!

the end. I'll update soon about hearts and hair!