Sunday, September 18, 2011

It's Been A While

You know, every time I go to write a new entry, I end up just feeling lost and like anything I could say isn't really worth the read.

It's become a little bit hard to reflect on anything... maybe I'm going through those stages. But it's almost like you put your head down and push yourself through all the ridiculous shit and then at the end, you look back and fall apart. I don't feel like a brave person at all. I feel like a little wimp!

There's so much that I don't want to remember but that is stuck in there for whenever cancer comes up in my head. Like how in the beginning, when they tell you you have it, the first thing you think of is that you are going to die. I didn't want to leave my children or Ian, and all I could do was imagine how hard it would make their lives to not have me to take care of them. I used to sit up at night and write journal entries for each one of them to have after I was gone. I've never told anyone that before. And I feel weird looking for them to delete them, but then I can't even open it up cause it makes me feel like barfing.

For such a long time after I had my surgery and treatments, all I worried about was being hit by lightning or a bus and losing my chance at life despite everything I had been through. It's pretty hard not to obsess about but I hear it's common.

It's a part of you as much as anything else in your life, so wanting to forget about it sort of makes me feel guilty. Like I should own it and be little miss brave pants. Almost like when I think about getting big fake boobs so that clothes don't make me look like a little boy. Should I be able to own that and be proud of it rather than covering it up with falsies? I have a whiteboard in my kitchen and whenever I have a day where I think I know what I want, I write the date and then "yes boobies" or "no boobies".

Guess it's all part of the process.

My hair has gotten pretty long. I don't think I look sick anymore (although a crazy nurse asked me straight up if I was sick and it reeeeeally hurt my feelings). My skin has mostly rejuvenated from the burns but it is a bit spotty.... want to see? Hang on...

My June started kindergarten and I am the volunteer coordinator for her class. It's awesome to be involved like this, I'll have to update you on how that goes, I haven't been in just yet.

Alright I'm done here. I'm over this post! Time to go make lunch for these animals.