I've been feeling pretty bummed out lately. Could be hormones (YES! I'm officially fertile again), could be tiredness from taking on a lot of stuff. But mostly I just can't help but to look at the calendar and at the different days that last year I was finding out I had cancer or the week I went off the deep end. I have had this ball in my chest and weight in my stomach, it feels the same as I felt this time last year. Officially confirmed that I had stage 3 cancer, but too soon to have learned that there was any chance it was going to be OK.

It's so tricky. You want time to pass so it can go away and you can try to forget it, but at the same time it's a part of you and defines you. It's strange to have pride and to want to erase the thing that gave it to you all at once.

I haven't been to physio since June started school. Things have gotten so hectic in my head that I can't keep up with anything. Having June in school half days, Ian traveling off and on and starting a new part time job of my own makes for tricky scheduling, so I just haven't bothered. The pain gets so intense and sharp. My muscles are so tight that you can see them under the skin. Here, I took a picture of my inner elbow












You should see my armpit. It's hardly even a hole, it looks backwards.

Anyway whine whine whine. I'm hoping to do something positive with this. I want to get involved in some way with young women who have it. I think I'm outgoing enough to really get out there and do something. I'll keep you posted on what the eff I do, cause at this point I'm still unsure how I can help...

tata
J

It really warms my heart when I see people who are running/walking to raise money for breast cancer in my name. I feel so supported and it just floors me every time. So amazing.

I've been continuing Herceptin treatments, and will be until February. I had it today, actually. Not a bad time, didn't have to wait too long and it wasn't a very hectic day there which was nice. I kind of have a good time when I'm there. I'm able to text and listen to my iPod without having to do any mommy things. A nice little break (minus the needles and tubes and junk).


Photo in the bathroom at chemo











I went to Kelly's mastectomy boutique this month, got me a little chicken cutlet action! The prosthesis is squishy and peach and even has a little nipple. They sell bras that have a little slot to fit it into and it actually hugs the skin really tightly so that it appears like an actual boob. It's nice to be able to put clothes on and have them stay straight and not falling down on one side. I feel like a lady. They make swimsuits and fancy lingerie too, so it made me feel good that I can go to the beach and not feel embarrassed by my concave cereal bowl of a chest! The woman who helped me was really wonderful and I felt totally comfortable with her, and that really helped... I had been worried about the whole idea of it for some reason.


Chicken cutlet! Oh no wait that's my fake boob











I guess that's it for now. Time to get some dinner together.
Until next time