Monday, October 24, 2011

I've been feeling pretty bummed out lately. Could be hormones (YES! I'm officially fertile again), could be tiredness from taking on a lot of stuff. But mostly I just can't help but to look at the calendar and at the different days that last year I was finding out I had cancer or the week I went off the deep end. I have had this ball in my chest and weight in my stomach, it feels the same as I felt this time last year. Officially confirmed that I had stage 3 cancer, but too soon to have learned that there was any chance it was going to be OK.

It's so tricky. You want time to pass so it can go away and you can try to forget it, but at the same time it's a part of you and defines you. It's strange to have pride and to want to erase the thing that gave it to you all at once.

I haven't been to physio since June started school. Things have gotten so hectic in my head that I can't keep up with anything. Having June in school half days, Ian traveling off and on and starting a new part time job of my own makes for tricky scheduling, so I just haven't bothered. The pain gets so intense and sharp. My muscles are so tight that you can see them under the skin. Here, I took a picture of my inner elbow

You should see my armpit. It's hardly even a hole, it looks backwards.

Anyway whine whine whine. I'm hoping to do something positive with this. I want to get involved in some way with young women who have it. I think I'm outgoing enough to really get out there and do something. I'll keep you posted on what the eff I do, cause at this point I'm still unsure how I can help...


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