oh my

So this past weekend, I was experiencing some pretty intense pain. I had been prescribed Dilaudid (is that the right spelling? I don't know) but no matter how much I took, the pain wouldn't go down. I ended up pretty much rolling around in my bed all weekend or laying on the floor of the shower with only the hot on my back. The worst of it was I guess usually my hips and lower back and spine, but my ribs, thighs, calves, knees and upper arms were so so painful. Oh and my sternum really bad, too. I was cursing family day because it meant one more day without being able to call Dr Song to get a new drug or have her suggest I take more.
Monday night by 3am I was at an all time high for pain. Easily an 8 or 9 out of 10 - and I've had two children - so I got into the shower again to try to pass time without losing it. I was texting Ian at work a lot and started going a little nutters in my head. My pupils got really tiny and I was getting confused about what was happening and just simple things. I finally got myself out of the shower and into some towels and then into bed, which is where I became positive that I had a fever. I couldn't reach the thermometer because of the aches and how freezing I felt, so I waited for Ian to get home.


* * *
I wrote all of that a while ago, so much has happened. Anyways, long story short, I had a fever and we went to emerg at 3am, had blood work and lots of tests done and they say that i had low white counts and low hemoglobin and that they were looking for infection in my blood cultures so I'd have to be admitted. I waited 13 hrs in emerg and Ian had to leave before it was up because Rosie had an appointment for shots at 2pm the next day. In the meantime, they tried Percocet and more Dilaudid but the only time I actually came down from the pain enough to feel ok was when I got the pill and then an hour and a half later it wasn't working, got the shot of Dilaudid on top of it.
When I got to my room, I told the nurse this since I had just had a pill an hour and a half before and was ready for my "breakthrough" shot as well so I could sit comfy. She said no and then I was left for another good 4 hours in pain. I got pretty desperate and would ask anytime somebody came but they all just kept going to check and not coming back. It was bad because it was climbing and i couldn't handle it at all.
Finally I started buzzing over and over and saying I was going to burst out of the window soon and I needed help now and then shortly after my own Oncologist walked in to check on me. I told her what I'd had and that it had worked but that so far up here they wouldn't give it to be and now I had been waiting 5 hrs with nothing for pain. A nurse walked in right then and gave me a shot. Kind of lame but at that point I didnt care I just needed it one way or another. I explained that pills didn't work and Dr Song said we'd just do shots then and that I shouldn't be in any pain.

My fever finally started to break again and then I had this amazing night nurse, Judy, who tucked me in and just made me really happy and comfortable to be here. The gave the shots well and had a really gentle voice that just made you sleepy. I want to take her home in my pocket but I don't know if it'll happen. She'd get me warm blankets and cover me and then rub my little body underneath them and like touch my head before she left. Just a really nurturing lady. I love Judy.

I was so out of it from the amount they gave me at night that I was suckling like a baby every time I woke up. I was so embarrassed but it was kind of cool cause I always wondered how newborns could move their tongues so fast. But I guess the answer isn't morphine either.

Fast forward two days to yesterday, they said my hemoglobin was so low that I had to have a blood transfusion which I hated. I don't know what it is, I think it just grosses me out. I had two bags and it took all afternoon to early evening.

* * *

Sorry those were all written really separately and on different amounts of insane narcotics. I'm currently home and only on Percocet so I'm pretty sound and on the ball. I don't know how to wrap that up because of how out of it I have been. But I got so many flowers and had an amazing time visiting with my sister, Kiki, Matty, Maria and my Ian almost every day. I'm glad it's over. I'm going to bed in between my children and anybody who disturbs me will feel my wrath.

Up yours, February!

I'm over this silly month. I'm sitting here in my bed SO bored and wishing I had a sunnier view out my bedroom window. The pain is pretty intense from this new chemo. The morphine they gave me isn't working so I'll have to wait till Tuesday to be able to get a hold of them because of family day. PS why isn't the cancer center open more often? Come on people.

Anyways it's getting old fast. I think it may be time to start filling the gaps with tulips, boardgames and happy music. Maybe learning to cook something new and interesting. Any ideas people? Even for a new craft or something to pass the time?! Hit me up!

J

Brrrrr chemo #5

Let's start with the pictures this time. Today I had to wear ice mitts and boots because the new chemo I am receiving can make my nail beds lift or discolour them so this is supposed to help prevent that. Who knows. Also, gross.

The first picture is of me texting Emily with my nose. It took forever and made my eyes cross pretty bad. The next one is of me being upset because of how freezing it was! I wanted to rip my hands out immediately, they were so intensely cold it was nutters!
The first bag was an hour and a half so that's how long the mitts and booties lasted. So basically forever. The second bag was herceptin, the hormone block, and it was another hour and a half. I asked her if I'd be sporting a fancy mustache when my hair comes back or like some swirly curly chest hairs, just to compensate for all this head/face bs. Unfortunately, she said no. They had to monitor me for an hour after to be sure I didn't have any bad reactions or fever. I hated how long we were there! 9:30-3:30.

I've been on steroids since yesterday. They're pretty intense and I don't like the way they make me feel especially because I've become a bit of an anxious person in the last few years. It's hard to try to stay calm when your heart's beating like this constantly! I'll be on them for 3 more days and then thank God it stops, but then the tiredness kicks in and apparently it's pretty heavy. Which is hard for me to even imagine because even yesterday, just before chemo, I still couldn't walk across a room without having to sit down because I would start to see black. I have to continue the shots I had taken last round (which also make you feel like you were hit by a truck), I'll be having one a day from the lovely Maria for 10 days. These cause insane bone pain and apparently so does the chemo so I have some morphine and I need to get over myself and take it because I was too afraid to and just toughed it out last time. Easily comparable to earlyish labour pains, not worth it, I see that now. So we'll see how it goes. Hopefully I am able to find energy somewhere. But if I can't, I need to remember that it's only 9 weeks and I have 5 of 8 treatments under my belt and that makes me a pretty happy little lady.

I wonder if that's everything. Am I forgetting something? That I want spring and tulips SO bad? Not even outside, IN my friggin house. I plan to buy them constantly. And daffodils are nice but a little cliche for me these days. And I can't wait to run away to Wakefield all summer and see some of my favourite people and leave with all their buttercups. UGH buttercups honestly just make me happy. I'm getting chatty so I'll get going.

thanks for reading.

WAIT!
Look at this fantastic quilt Kiki had made for me --- is this the shout out show tonight?
I felt like it would be yellow but then it was my favourite colour so it made my day. Happy birthday Kiki, thanks for the present! Ouch!