Monday, August 1, 2016


Energize me. Help me breathe slower and deeper. Teach me to actually believe that everything will be ok. Help me stop pretending that I’m not dying inside of a crippling fear that this monster is coming for me faster than I can imagine. Fear is so ugly. And obsessive. I’m afraid that the very hormones that make me proud to be a woman are killing me. And I can’t look away. I can bury it, and I try to. But it rears its ugly head regularly throughout my day. I’m fucking terrified. And I’m supposed to be excited and filled with love for a baby that I’m supposed to live to raise. It’s choking me and balling up in my stomach. And then I worry, ‘maybe this is what will make it grow’. I’m really stuck. And I want more. But it’s almost impossible to believe everything will be ok. Two doctors have asked me if my husband is capable of handling all three children without me. But don’t be negative, right? Rest and relax. Meditate, even. But when I do, and I close my eyes, I just see it and I want to scream help me. And nobody can. I am alone. It’ pretty dark in here tonight.


  1. Justine,
    You are not alone. In the darkness, your fears, nor in life. While I'd never presume to get it all, I get the crippling fear of possible outcomes, the anxiety boring deeply, bringing guilt and negativity, the merry-go-round of thoughts choking the joy that you're supposed to feel.
    I just wanted you to know, you're not alone.
    Xoxo Sarah Sofalvi

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  3. You are definitely not alone. Most especially in the gnawing, gnashing pit of it. I've seen several dear friends pass and several more survive. I always come back to this quote by Louise Edrich that always gets me through, I hope it can be of some help to you.

    "Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

    Additionally there is a group that might be of some help, some practitioners of vision fasts and rites of passage that have gone through what it look like you're going to right now that view cancer as an initiatory experience.

    Stop in, say hello, they've got no shortage of heart or spirit.

    Many blessings on your journey. And keep tasting as many as you can.

  4. I'm praying for you Justine. Do your best to hang in there. The struggle, the pain, and uncertainty is real. But your drive and relentless effort is beyond any ache you have. You have that strength.